Monday, November 24, 2008


How can you enjoy someone's company so much and yet have resentment and animosity towards them? It's a conundrum.

I had a really nice weekend. I went to a company party, begrudgedly, with my boyfriend completely expecting to have a terrible time. I was surprised, however, and really enjoyed myself. We gambled with funny money and it was just an all around good time.

The following day we took some really nice Christmas pictures with the baby. We did the cute wearing matching outfits (we more blended then wore the exact same thing) and went to a professional place and got the pictures taken. We'll use one for our Christmas cards this year. It felt like we were a family and it was nice.......until we got to the register of course. Some people just don't know how to act in public.

Now I just don't understand why I feel the way I feel sometimes. It's a conundrum.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Why is it...

Why is it that we always hurt the ones we love? I know it's a little cliche but it's so true. We say me and hurtful things and once those words are out, you can't take them back. It makes for a bad life and bad relationships.

Why is it that we feel we need to stay in a relationship that causes us pain and misery?Relationships whether they be with friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends or whoever should bring us joy or at the very least some sort of satisfaction or fulfillment; when they stop doing that it's probably time to just end it.

Why is it that we are so apprehensive about ending something that doesn't work anymore? Relationships end. People change. Feelings change. It's life, it happens. It doesn't mean you haven't tried everything you could to make things work. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. It just is what it is, and sometimes that means it's over.

Why is it that we can't manage to stay friends with someone after a relationship is over? Is it really always all or nothing? What happens when there are children involved? Who really suffers most?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Career Woman

I remember when I was younger thinking of how my life would be as a career woman. I've got to be honest, I thought it was going to be very exciting and glamorous. I pictured myself getting dressed in my tailored suit and getting onto the train (I of course worked in NYC) with all the other morning commuters while I read the paper and contemplated my day. I envisioned all the intelligent and interesting new people I would meet while walking around Battery Park at lunch. I would also see myself in my loft apartment on the Upper East side in a building with a doorman.

Naturally, I would have only the most sophisticated friends and we would do things like go to art gallery openings and lounges. We'd meet at the MOMA or the Guggenheim for lunch and to view the latest exhibits. We'd only go to the hottest clubs and never, ever wait in line.

This was going to be my life as a 20 or 30-something in Manhattan. A career woman with the means and savvy to really enjoy it all.

When I got dressed this morning for work I put on a pair of jeans and a sweater. Before I got into my light SUV for my short morning commute of driving to work, I picked up my baby and he smiled and laughed when he saw it was me holding him. For a while I lamented my life out here in middle America and my job in a manufacturing plant and my little house on a quiet street with the cows across the way; but after hearing that laugh this morning.....I realize my career as a mom is MUCH more rewarding than all that I had imagined as a kid.

Monday, November 17, 2008

My New "Normal"

Well my best friend is a blogger and I spent some time this morning reading hers and was inspired to start my own. Unfortunately, my life just isn't as exciting and hers is. Now don't get me wrong, my life is full, just in a different way from hers.

I am a new mother and trying to find my way to what life is now. Motherhood changes EVERYTHING. I find it to be extremely rewarding and fulfilling. However, that being said, it's hard to find my new normal.

Normal used to be doing what I wanted when I wanted to. Spending what I wanted, eating what I wanted, sleeping when I wanted, that has all changed. I know it seems like my life was pretty selfish pre-baby but that really isn't so. I was just a typical unmarried 20-something (yea I am a 30-something now). My boyfriend and I liked to do whatever, whenever. Since the baby arrived our priorities have shifted and I kind of like it. My baby was premature so the change hit me hard and early and made me realize I needed to grow up and begin being the parent I always envisioned I would be. It's been a struggle as I worked through insecurities and feelings of inadequacy early on. I am sure this is not new to new moms but it was very difficult for me.

Now that my son is home and healthy and growing rapidly, I struggle to find my new normal. I went out Friday night with the girls for the first time since becoming pregnant and having a baby. I had tons of fun and drank too much and quickly realized, I can't party like I used to. Lucky for me, the boyfriend stepped up and cared for our boy so I could have my night. I did, however, have to put on my mommy hat early Saturday morning, hangover and all. That is what motherhood is about. Baby doesn't care if you are sick or tired or hung over, he needs you so you better be there!

So is this my new normal? Life with my son with glimpses or my old normal thrown in from time to time? I guess that is OKwith me.