Friday, December 12, 2008

Christmas time 2

So I finally made a decision and I think it was the right one. I am going away for Christmas to visit my family. I just feel its important to be with the people who love and support you for real, not the ones who say it and don't do anything to back it up. I hate to sound like that but the truth is the truth and it ain't always pretty.

I think the New Year is going to bring some changes for me. I am not happy with the way things are right now so I need to do something about it before it eats away at the very core of who I am. I can no longer allow someone else to dictate my life. I will not keep putting other people before me, other than my son.

Change is coming so watch out.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Christmas time

So it's Christmas time and life is hectic of course.

I am feeling like a real Mom now as my son has started daycare. It's tough leaving him but I know he is in good hands. So our mornings are up early, dressed, fed and out of the house by 6:40. After work is rush to pick him up and then go home and clean up, eat, feed him, play, bath, bottle, bed. It's a nice little routine and strangely comforting to know I CAN do this.

Christmas is always a tough time of year for me as I live far away from my family. Now that I have a family of my own, I know I should be content to stay here and celebrate Christmas with just them and close friends but I'm not. Maybe that makes me selfish, I don't know. I just think that holidays are meant for family and my family is more than just my boyfriend (who I am actually getting along with at the moment) and my wonderful son.

So I have been given the opportunity to go to California to see half of my family, namely my sister and her family and my mom and stepdad. I would need to leave on Christmas day and I am having some hesitation about it. I am feeling guilty for wanting to take my son away from his father on Christmas but at the same time I compromised to leave Christmas afternoon instead of the day before. I want him to join us but money is tight. I am just so conflicted about the whole thing.

My fear is that I won't go and then he and I will fight, as wel usually do when we are alone together for more than an hour, and I will regret staying home. Or that he will fall asleep on the couch, as he normally does when we are home for more than an hour and not fighting, and I will resent him for it and again we will fight. I know I should think positive but this is reality and based on fact and past experiences. I just don't know what to do. I guess I need to make a decision in a hurry though cause Christmas is only 2 weeks away!!!!!!!!!!!!


Monday, December 1, 2008

Thanksgiving weekend

So my holiday was very nice. We went to some family out of town and the baby got to meet them and it was all very nice. We took pictures of 4 generations: my boyfriend, his mom, his grandfather and of course our baby boy. It was really wonderful. Hopefully his cousin will send us those pictures soon.

Saturday a dear friend of mine was married and everything was just beautiful. She looked gorgeous and the bridal party all looked great and the ceremony was wonderful. All in all it was a wonderful and fun wedding. I am so happy for the couple!

Monday, November 24, 2008


How can you enjoy someone's company so much and yet have resentment and animosity towards them? It's a conundrum.

I had a really nice weekend. I went to a company party, begrudgedly, with my boyfriend completely expecting to have a terrible time. I was surprised, however, and really enjoyed myself. We gambled with funny money and it was just an all around good time.

The following day we took some really nice Christmas pictures with the baby. We did the cute wearing matching outfits (we more blended then wore the exact same thing) and went to a professional place and got the pictures taken. We'll use one for our Christmas cards this year. It felt like we were a family and it was nice.......until we got to the register of course. Some people just don't know how to act in public.

Now I just don't understand why I feel the way I feel sometimes. It's a conundrum.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Why is it...

Why is it that we always hurt the ones we love? I know it's a little cliche but it's so true. We say me and hurtful things and once those words are out, you can't take them back. It makes for a bad life and bad relationships.

Why is it that we feel we need to stay in a relationship that causes us pain and misery?Relationships whether they be with friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends or whoever should bring us joy or at the very least some sort of satisfaction or fulfillment; when they stop doing that it's probably time to just end it.

Why is it that we are so apprehensive about ending something that doesn't work anymore? Relationships end. People change. Feelings change. It's life, it happens. It doesn't mean you haven't tried everything you could to make things work. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. It just is what it is, and sometimes that means it's over.

Why is it that we can't manage to stay friends with someone after a relationship is over? Is it really always all or nothing? What happens when there are children involved? Who really suffers most?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Career Woman

I remember when I was younger thinking of how my life would be as a career woman. I've got to be honest, I thought it was going to be very exciting and glamorous. I pictured myself getting dressed in my tailored suit and getting onto the train (I of course worked in NYC) with all the other morning commuters while I read the paper and contemplated my day. I envisioned all the intelligent and interesting new people I would meet while walking around Battery Park at lunch. I would also see myself in my loft apartment on the Upper East side in a building with a doorman.

Naturally, I would have only the most sophisticated friends and we would do things like go to art gallery openings and lounges. We'd meet at the MOMA or the Guggenheim for lunch and to view the latest exhibits. We'd only go to the hottest clubs and never, ever wait in line.

This was going to be my life as a 20 or 30-something in Manhattan. A career woman with the means and savvy to really enjoy it all.

When I got dressed this morning for work I put on a pair of jeans and a sweater. Before I got into my light SUV for my short morning commute of driving to work, I picked up my baby and he smiled and laughed when he saw it was me holding him. For a while I lamented my life out here in middle America and my job in a manufacturing plant and my little house on a quiet street with the cows across the way; but after hearing that laugh this morning.....I realize my career as a mom is MUCH more rewarding than all that I had imagined as a kid.

Monday, November 17, 2008

My New "Normal"

Well my best friend is a blogger and I spent some time this morning reading hers and was inspired to start my own. Unfortunately, my life just isn't as exciting and hers is. Now don't get me wrong, my life is full, just in a different way from hers.

I am a new mother and trying to find my way to what life is now. Motherhood changes EVERYTHING. I find it to be extremely rewarding and fulfilling. However, that being said, it's hard to find my new normal.

Normal used to be doing what I wanted when I wanted to. Spending what I wanted, eating what I wanted, sleeping when I wanted, that has all changed. I know it seems like my life was pretty selfish pre-baby but that really isn't so. I was just a typical unmarried 20-something (yea I am a 30-something now). My boyfriend and I liked to do whatever, whenever. Since the baby arrived our priorities have shifted and I kind of like it. My baby was premature so the change hit me hard and early and made me realize I needed to grow up and begin being the parent I always envisioned I would be. It's been a struggle as I worked through insecurities and feelings of inadequacy early on. I am sure this is not new to new moms but it was very difficult for me.

Now that my son is home and healthy and growing rapidly, I struggle to find my new normal. I went out Friday night with the girls for the first time since becoming pregnant and having a baby. I had tons of fun and drank too much and quickly realized, I can't party like I used to. Lucky for me, the boyfriend stepped up and cared for our boy so I could have my night. I did, however, have to put on my mommy hat early Saturday morning, hangover and all. That is what motherhood is about. Baby doesn't care if you are sick or tired or hung over, he needs you so you better be there!

So is this my new normal? Life with my son with glimpses or my old normal thrown in from time to time? I guess that is OKwith me.