Monday, November 16, 2009


So a really good friend of mine once told me "Jess, if you look for sh*t, you find shi*t and sh*t stinks". She is soooooooo right. But why doesn't that not give me the pause I so desperately need to take before I dive in and start the search?! I am insecure I guess. Past hurts don't allow me to move on and just enjoy the present moment and my many blessings. It's not a happy place to live in fear and doubt. I feel hurt by people's actions and when I try to discuss that, I just get curt answers or no answers which doesn't make me all warm and fuzzy. I guess bottom line, it's my problem. It's my responsibility to figure out how to forgive and move on. I just don't think I know how.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Frustrating day

So today is a frustrating day. I just dont understand sometimes why people have such a hard time with seemingly simple things. It boggles my mind. I realize I am about 5 months pregnant, super hormonal, and it won't friggin stop raining and that might very well have some impact on my level of frustration.

I need an outlet, some kind of recreation. I have picked up a few books lately which has been great but I think I need some kind of social life. All I do is take care of baby and work, that's it. I know most of it is my doing cause I hate to disrupt my son's schedule as he is very sensitive to change but I think in doing so I have caused all of my "friends" to shy away from even inviting me out anymore. It's sad really. I am a lonely 31 year old soon to be mother of 2, unmarried. Sweet...sounds like a TV movie.

Today is just frustrating.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Not sleeping......

Well today is a very slow day. It seems as though the clock is actually working against me. I can't imagine why? I mean, what did I ever do to time?

Anyway, I haven't been sleeping well with this pregnancy and that doesn't help matters much. While in the middle of the day I struggle the keep my eyes open, literally, when it comes time for my head to hit the pillow at night....wide open. It's rather annoying. I was sleeping in the guest room until Sunday night and to be honest, I was actually sleeping a little better. I don't know if it's the mattress or perhaps having an entire bed all to myself.

That being said, I like sleeping next to my man.....sometimes. Being prego has brought on a temperture aversion and the mere graze of a hot body part against me (foot, leg, hand...) makes me boil over in anger (both from being woken up and from feeling the heat) and causes me again to not be able to sleep.

I guess most would say it will all be worth it when this little guy is born and I am sure I will have forgetten all about this reason for not sleeping since I'll have a whole new set of reasons; however, that doesn't help me today. Well I guess all I can do at this point is try to make it through the rest of this never ending day and hope for the best tonight.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Work Sucks

I understand that work is a place to be productive and to contribute meaningfully to the company by which you are employed, but I feel that you should be able to socialize within reason during the day as well. I was told today however that the BIG boss wants to see NO SOCIALIZATION WHATSOEVER. That really irks me. I don't want to work in a sterile, lifeless environment. Also what about the smokers? They can socialize on smoke break 5 times a day? Does that mean if I want to commiserate with a coworker I have to do it outside with a cancer stick in my hand? So much for all employees being equal. The moral of the story....WORK SUCKS!!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Post Holidays

Well I am back to work after a whirlwind of holidays and travel. I have to say California and the family was fantastic! I am really glad that I went. The baby did well on the plane and only had 1 real huge meltdown on the way home but we managed. There is lots more travel to come in his life so may as well break him in early.

Now that I am back to work and trying to get back into the swing of things I am realizing that my life is pretty boring. As you may have noticed I haven't blogged much lately....well at all really. I enjoy it, it makes me feel good to get stuff off my chest, I just don't have much to say. That reality makes me want to change things.

I know that having a newborn is a full time committment, and trust me it does take up most of my time, but I think I have been leaning on it to allow myself to not do much else. So this year, 2009, I think it's time to turn that around. I need to start to nurture my friendships and take care of my ever growing and changing (for the worse) body. I need to start to do things for myself again, and just figure out how to bring the baby along for the ride. Sounds like a good plan right? Now the trouble starts at execution.....