Christmas time

So it's Christmas time and life is hectic of course.

I am feeling like a real Mom now as my son has started daycare. It's tough leaving him but I know he is in good hands. So our mornings are up early, dressed, fed and out of the house by 6:40. After work is rush to pick him up and then go home and clean up, eat, feed him, play, bath, bottle, bed. It's a nice little routine and strangely comforting to know I CAN do this.

Christmas is always a tough time of year for me as I live far away from my family. Now that I have a family of my own, I know I should be content to stay here and celebrate Christmas with just them and close friends but I'm not. Maybe that makes me selfish, I don't know. I just think that holidays are meant for family and my family is more than just my boyfriend (who I am actually getting along with at the moment) and my wonderful son.

So I have been given the opportunity to go to California to see half of my family, namely my sister and her family and my mom and stepdad. I would need to leave on Christmas day and I am having some hesitation about it. I am feeling guilty for wanting to take my son away from his father on Christmas but at the same time I compromised to leave Christmas afternoon instead of the day before. I want him to join us but money is tight. I am just so conflicted about the whole thing.

My fear is that I won't go and then he and I will fight, as wel usually do when we are alone together for more than an hour, and I will regret staying home. Or that he will fall asleep on the couch, as he normally does when we are home for more than an hour and not fighting, and I will resent him for it and again we will fight. I know I should think positive but this is reality and based on fact and past experiences. I just don't know what to do. I guess I need to make a decision in a hurry though cause Christmas is only 2 weeks away!!!!!!!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!